ramble cuz i ran out of post ideas :(

ok first of all i be complaining about school in every post now but idc cuz school sucks!! i fr dont wanna do this anymore. and this year there are way stricter policies for some reason. man why couldnt yall wait till i graduated... really wish i was born a few months earlier, then i'd already be done with ts.

speaking of school, people drive kinda crazy here it scares me... literally saw a row of cars almost crash into each other on my first week. everyone is in such a rush to get out. and no one uses their blinkers or stops at stop/yield signs😭😭bro what.. getting out of the school zone is such a hassle its so cumbersome. suddenly remembering that time one student accidentally crashed into the PRINCIPALS car and tried to run away but someone stopped them 💀💀so crazy so insane. 

how i feel being one of the few yielding
for cars and using my blinker

omgg and i have so much homework and things i need/want to do but all i do is bedrot like for real its not even funny anymore HELPPP. wake up, go somewhere if needed, come home and doomscroll and then sleep half the day away and repeat 💔💔 whats wrong with me lately i have no motivation to do anything 😭

bruh blue eye samurai content is lowkey genuinely the only thing keeping me going rn im so glad i watched that show so i have something i can look forward to in life. mizu is my new inspiration to work out again teehee😍

worst class ever ngl

 ap us and comparative gov is such an annoying class bru 😭 google lied when it said people found it fun and interesting.... this class makes me feel so dumb i literally dont know anything compared to others and dont really care about government stuff in the first place. i guess its good to know but im maybe too slow for this cuz its ap 😭😭 and the homework is so ughh i cant absorb all the info in the reading its so boring and tedious💔💔i already know imma get a bad grade. the teacher is always calling on random people too and it always gives me anxiety. why is this such a participatory class. i miss ap psych 😭dawg.. best ap class ever 

i thought maybe this class would be fun because of learning about other countries and i love reading historical (fiction mostly) books. but no 😔 hopefully the class gets better as the year commences more 

senior year thoughts (school rant)

 was planning to do this right before the year actually started but forgor oops 

ok first of all its so crazy to me that im a senior now. i dont feel like one at all. i still remember being in 9th grade, and in french class there was this one senior i sat with. and i was thinking like wow i wonder what its like to be a senior!! thats so far away!! so grown up!! but time ended up passing really quickly, how am i a senior now.

wonder if ill be able to make friends this year... or at least improve my social skills. lowkey have the sinking feeling that this year will be just like the last ones. idk its so hard for me to change. sometimes i wonder if i find comfort in being miserable and alone cuz i always sabotage my chances and opportunities 💀 either that or i gaslit myself into thinking im okay being alone cuz i always used to tell myself i dont even need friends cuz they never last anyway and ive already survived being alone a lot (military child lore). 

anyway yeah only 2 days into the year but im already dreading it. i feel so anxious in class. everyone sitting around me already has friends and this year i dont really see anyone i want to be friends with. bro every year ive been at this school people have asked me if im new here because im so insignificant ☠️ except for the very first year i actually arrived, LITERALLY no one noticed me at all (sophomore year is the worst i swear). god omg i shouldve tried to talk more last year cuz there were people that i actually wanted to be friends with. and they were nice to me too😭😭 whats wrong with me broughhghgh. took the sat today and i even saw one of those people and he actually talked to me omg 💔💔 if i wasnt so damn shy i feel like we couldve been friends cuz we have similar personalities from what ive seen.

think senioritis is already hitting too man. i already kinda hate at least 2 of my classes. wish i could just take regular classes. and im always tired for some reason and falling asleep easily right after i get home (but never at bedtime smh my head). honestly kinda hoping this year just goes by really quickly so itll be over and done with (especially if i end up not making any friends). i hate high school so much, especially this school.. how tf did some people peak in hs. life is lowkey not worth it if you have SAD. feels like itll never get better sometimes tbh.

my biggest fantasy is for some extrovert to notice me and 'adopt' me 😭 how do other quiet people get this to happen to them!! 😭

ok this ended up being a huge vent ramble... maybe ill look at this post again once i graduate to see if i changed any or not. i hope i do... PLEASE FUTURE ME GET BETTER OR ILL BE COOKED IN THE REAL WORLD 😭😭😭🙏🙏💔🥀🥀!!!!

I found my spirit animal

This one species of monkey that was discovered in 2007. Called a Lesula.

Just look at that unimpressed expression.
And those beautiful big eyes.. 

Ts is literally me... if I could I'd totally forage for fruits and vegetables all day 

My newest obsession

my queen... mizu i would treat you
  better than any man ever could 😭🙏

I binged BES in 2 days and it was so good omg; ep 5 especially is peak!! the layered storytelling is insane. Mizu (the protag) is so cool i love her 🤩🤩 she lowkey just like me.... im the korean version of her.... 

Also mizu unironically made me feel better about being wasian too wow. ive never seen a wasian character in media before that actually explores their identity issues. especially about not liking one side of yourself. and how people will never see you as 'full' because you're mixed. Omg if i was in BES i would definitely be getting stoned every other day for looking white lol 💀

Anyway, BES is all I've been thinking about for the past 2~ weeks. cant wait for s2 😍 the animation and visuals are so amazing,  especially the environments. The art style is pretty unique/recognizable too. Great show overall 

More fanart! Androgynous women gotta be one of the best things ever. Forever will be peak to me. And I love Mizu's voice too 😍 

 this is really random but yknow how the past tense of 'sneak' is sneaked. this sounds so wrong to me. i feel like it should be snuck. snuck should be the formal past tense of sneak not sneaked. sneaked sounds so awkward and clunky, snuck is easier to say and sounds more smooth/elegant to me. 

deep voices on women 😍

 who else loves women with deep/mature/husky sounding voices!! its so underrated i swear.. omg one time i stumbled upon this one korean youtuber's video and she doesnt talk a lot but in this one she speaks with her full voice and it was the deepest voice ive ever heard on a woman before. holyy it was literally exquisite though made me go a little bit crazy tbh. 

i hate that women are expected to have high-pitched bubbly voices bruh why do aesthetic norms have to be so restrictive 😭 i will never understand people that hate on low voices for women. its so peak 😩

beauty standards

 its kinda crazy how ingrained beauty standards and gender norms are in this world. the first time i was aware/insecure of my body was literally kindergarten 💀 cuz i was sitting at a table and 2 of my classmates (boys) were talking about how they already had arm hair growing in. omg i remember this moment so clearly. they said the fact that they had arm hair meant they were already men/on the way to becoming real men. and then they were debating on whether girls had arm hair and ended up with the conclusion that girls didnt have body hair 😭 who taught them this stereotype at the ripe age of 5 bro. i remember feeling so confused cuz i had arm hair and wanted to interject that that wasnt true but i felt too ashamed/shy to say that. 

yknow what, thinking about it, maybe this was one of the incidents that helped kick-start my low self-esteem and anxiety arc .. 💀

it always kills me inside when men complain about women having any type of body hair and literally saying women should be hung/killed/assaulted for it. what the hell man 💔💔 men saying they want a 'natural woman' and then not being able to handle the fact that women are not born with silky smooth hairless dolphin skin ☠️☠️☠️ do straight guys even like women. 

Song OTD

 

Today's song OTD is No. 1 Party Anthem by Arctic Monkeys.. been kinda obsessed with this song lately. It's so bittersweet. 2:20-3:00 is so peak especially... This has been my first song otd in a while but tbh dont think im gonna do them much anymore. havent been listening to as much music as well 

Also I saw this one Nishi edit and omg.. someone tell me why it keeps making me tear up... I think this is the 1st Nishi edit I've ever seen. He's so underrated fr. It's actually really insane when you think about Nishi's character arc, he changed so much. Also I think Nishi was Joe's first real friend? I love their friendship so much wahh I miss anj again now 😭 It's so tragic that he didn't attend Joe's last match bro why wasn't he there 💔💔

my last summer break hughhh // adulthood

 bruh i cant believe this is basically my last summer break for HS. yeah theres technically another break after 12th but that doesnt really count imo. by then ill be an adult. and after graduation ill be probably busy looking for a j*b or college prep idk. 

only got a few weeks left of break... lowkey its really sad. normal people hang out with their friends a lot during summer break and ill never get to experience that at this point 😭 time feels like its slipping by too quickly. and it feels like its kinda too late for things even though people tell me stuff like "your life has barely begun." 

sighh also i dont really want to be an adult soon. the thought of not being legally considered a child anymore is so terrifying to me. why cant adulthood be when you turn 20/21. your brain doesnt even fully mature until 25+. and 18 is still technically a teen year even if youre legally an adult. is there even much difference between 17 and 18... tbh im kinda conflicted about turning 18 because people say it gets better but also idk. ive also heard people who are 65 still feeling 17 in their head. i dont know if thats terrifying or comforting 😭😭i wonder what age ill feel like a real adult cuz i still feel like a 13 year old and have the same feelings as my 3rd grade self 💀

anyway i need to lock in and get work done for the rest of this summer but my procrastination is so bad lol. i dont wanna study for SATS 😭 i hate math!! 

all these colleges want me so bad

 think i literally got 20 emails from colleges just from today. maybe even more. and the day isnt even over yet. why are they always spamming me bruh. i didnt even give my contact info to most of them?? colleges are soo desperate for no reason they just want peoples money smh my head. 

also these schools are sending me brochures LEFT and RIGHT oh my gahh man i literally have a huge stack of them. i never read the brochures or emails anyway. only 1 bc it looked pretty and well-thought out. 

can they stop spamming me already..💔💔i am NOT interested in goucher college what kinda name is that. and i DONT want to become a miner!!

summer art

 some of my artworks since summer break started 😝

human version of my vampire oc bc 
i wanted to test a new coloring brush lol
i like the background :D

drew her on a whim and i like
how it turned out!

ok thats it cuz this getting long