was planning to do this right before the year actually started but forgor oops
ok first of all its so crazy to me that im a senior now. i dont feel like one at all. i still remember being in 9th grade, and in french class there was this one senior i sat with. and i was thinking like wow i wonder what its like to be a senior!! thats so far away!! so grown up!! but time ended up passing really quickly, how am i a senior now.
wonder if ill be able to make friends this year... or at least improve my social skills. lowkey have the sinking feeling that this year will be just like the last ones. idk its so hard for me to change. sometimes i wonder if i find comfort in being miserable and alone cuz i always sabotage my chances and opportunities ๐ either that or i gaslit myself into thinking im okay being alone cuz i always used to tell myself i dont even need friends cuz they never last anyway and ive already survived being alone a lot (military child lore).
anyway yeah only 2 days into the year but im already dreading it. i feel so anxious in class. everyone sitting around me already has friends and this year i dont really see anyone i want to be friends with. bro every year ive been at this school people have asked me if im new here because im so insignificant ☠️ except for the very first year i actually arrived, LITERALLY no one noticed me at all (sophomore year is the worst i swear). god omg i shouldve tried to talk more last year cuz there were people that i actually wanted to be friends with. and they were nice to me too๐ญ๐ญ whats wrong with me broughhghgh. took the sat today and i even saw one of those people and he actually talked to me omg ๐๐ if i wasnt so damn shy i feel like we couldve been friends cuz we have similar personalities from what ive seen.
think senioritis is already hitting too man. i already kinda hate at least 2 of my classes. wish i could just take regular classes. and im always tired for some reason and falling asleep easily right after i get home (but never at bedtime smh my head). honestly kinda hoping this year just goes by really quickly so itll be over and done with (especially if i end up not making any friends). i hate high school so much, especially this school.. how tf did some people peak in hs. life is lowkey not worth it if you have SAD. feels like itll never get better sometimes tbh.
my biggest fantasy is for some extrovert to notice me and 'adopt' me ๐ญ how do other quiet people get this to happen to them!! ๐ญ
ok this ended up being a huge vent ramble... maybe ill look at this post again once i graduate to see if i changed any or not. i hope i do... PLEASE FUTURE ME GET BETTER OR ILL BE COOKED IN THE REAL WORLD ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐๐๐๐ฅ๐ฅ!!!!
not feeling like a senior so true but for me tbh its more like i dont have a sense of age or time like ok im a senior it doesnt mean anything at all to me tbh idk what age i am. just been going thru life without any meaing
ReplyDeletei def already see improvement with you! ur doing great. improvement even if its little is good. maybe you will make friends this year or maybe not. making friends in senior year is a near impossible task for me as well so dont worry. also so true abt talking more in junior year cuz i dont like anyone in my classes this year ๐
improvement is a slow process dont think much abt it. ofc ur not gonna instantly get better in a single day and some big change will happen. ur still doing amazing tho keep it up broat
also me too i feel like this year will be the same. theres always college tho. too bad if i dont make any friends
https://www.youtube.com/@SiaaSpits/videos
also i dont know if u know this person but they have great highschool with no friends videos where they talk abt their experience more instead of giving advice. its very great. she truly gets it. and she talks with way more nuance than anybody else tbh. they have 3 highschool videos u should watch all of them. she was kinda in the same position as us (no friends throughout all of highschool including senior year)
going through life without meaning.. me too. we both got unlucky with classes this year noo ๐ญpraying this year will be different for you at least. maybe you can become friends with that girl who seemed interested in you. actually maybe just trying to get used to socializing as much as possible this year and then focusing on making friends in college is the way to go. since you prob wont see your classmates again after graduation.. and itll be easier to meet like-minded people in college..
ReplyDeletethank you for the kind words but i did not improve ๐ญ think i got about 2% better at being more sociable since i started high school. sometimes it gets better sometimes worse. its been too long i think i just cant cope anymore. ive run out of hope for my life and basically nothing is fun anymore not even the things i like ๐
yeah ive seen like 2 of sia's videos a while back, i remember it was so relatable.. its so hard to find people in the same situation like us that genuinely know what its like to be friendless