i love having artist friends!!!

 having artists friends is the best thing ever ngl. or any type of creative. i couldnt imagine a life without (making) art.... even having a friend that doesnt necessarily make art themselves but is interested in it is good! something to quickly bond over yknow. 

sharing and discussing art >>>> 🫶🫶🫶

also idk if ive said this before but honestly one of the best things EVER to me is just perusing and examining and being in awe of other people's art. its so inspiring. i love looking at everyone's art and different styles and techniques so much bro. genuinely could just spend all day doing that gahh

my eyes are so weird

 why ts always happening to me

every so often one of my eyes gets all weird 😭ill have a triple or quadruple lid for a few days or a week... (this happened today btw)🥀sometimes 1 eye even turns into a monolid somehow... the difference in my eyes whenever this occurs is so annoying bruh 

i swear ive experienced every eye type ever or smth bro double lid, hooded, monolid, 💀

one time i woke up and all my eyelashed were inside my eye 😭😭🙏 that was so bizarre how does that even happen  

i just want to say

today in class i answered a question for the first time ever. like without raising hand or getting called on or anything. no one else was answering so i blurted it out and i got it correct too and no one looked at me 😌as if this was a regular occurrence. omg i NEVER couldve done this last year!! i actually have the confidence to raise my hand this year and volunteer for answering questions this is crazy. why is this so freeing actually.... kinda sorta.... 

Song OTD

 

Today's song OTD is Scrawny by Wallows! Randomly came across this song on Spotify. I haven't heard this in forever omg. Back in 9th grade I would always listen to this one specific playlist during the bus ride to school and look out the window. This was one of the songs on there and now whenever I hear one of them it gives me such a weird feeling 😭Idk it's kinda like nostalgia but I don't really feel wistful of the memories. I wonder if I could ever find that playlist again.. 

HELPPPUHHH

 ive had this weird thing stuck ?? in my throat for like a week now

it feels like a cactus spike is stuck in the back of my throat its so annoying 😭😭😭😭😭its painful sometimes when i eat or swallow wtf happened i didnt even eat anything weird 

PLEASEEE GO AWAY SOON why is this happening to me again 😭🥀🥀🥀

phone calls

 broughh omgg

today i had to call my bank cuz i couldnt login 😒and it actually went well omg. it went like 90% smoothly and it was easier than i thought it'd be 

last time i called the bank i was trying not to cry lols 

chat is my phone call anxiety almost gone ?!?! i still dont like phone calls that much but i can do it so.. yippee!! 

 broouhhgh i really wish i was raised to be more 'expressionate' idk like. parents who sing or dance or play an instrument and encourage their children to do it too and it becomes a fun hobby or even career for the kids. feel like i would be so much more confident now if i was raised like that too 😭 and it would force me out of being anxious 

i guess i had my chances though cuz i used to take ballet and do piano and did performances for both. actually i think those experiences mightve made me not as anxious as i couldve been when doing presentations now. i dont even remember why i wanted to quit ballet now smh my head.

thinking about how when people are like 20+, they look back on what they used to do as a kid for fun and try to get into those things again. 

i need new hobbies so bad if i start singing/dancing will it increase my self efficacy/esteem 😭wish i got into this stuff again when i was 14 or 15, when i had so much free time. ughhh 18 is young in the long run but it is also old sighh 

im gonna vote

 im gonna vote tomorrow 

i love making desserts

 in another life, i would definitely become a pastry chef 

i would make all kinds of things like 3 dozen raspberry croissants with raspberry cream filling, eclairs, baklava cheesecake, crepes, cannoli, profiteroles, kulfi, mooncakes, etc 🤤🤤🤤 

actually i could learn to make all these things without becoming a chef. im gonna do it one day >:)

baking is so fun i love baking yummy foods its my jam ong. i want to do it more but i cant really :'( when im an adult living on my own i can!! 

i also need to learn how to cook more too not just desserts lol. it takes me 3 hours to make one thing sometimes.... 

cigarettes

 smoking is so bad for you but i cant deny theres a specific kind of aura and mood when someone or a character smokes (not so much irl tho) that you cant achieve with anything else. like in reaction images and memes yknow

 like it gives off such a weary feeling or knowledgeable/cool depending on the context and emotion 

if only smoking wasnt horrible and addictive and didnt smell obnoxious 

speaking of smoking i had a really weird dream about it once. it all started with something my dad told me. basically there's new studies and whatnot and apparently eating a french fry is WORSE than smoking a cigarette. because your body can detoxify the cig better/faster than the fry (?).  

anyway so then that night i had the dream. its been a while so i dont remember the details but i still know the basic plot. ok so my brother and i were addicted to smoking. i remember smoking in a car. i wanted to quit but it was difficult. however i eventually managed to quit somehow. but my brother was still addicted and couldnt quit. and then it ended.

it felt so bizarre to have that kind of dream bro....... i cant even describe it.... its kinda cool/weird when real life events inspire or occur in my dreams though. i should start up my dream journaling again but im always too lazy to write them down. 

guess who's back

 new drawings of lou and indy yayy! i havent drawn these 2 in forever

i love how lou turned out
but indy......

i cant figure out how to draw her but its a sketch without any refs so whatever ... 

who want to make labubu dubai chocolate smores for winter

 who want to make labubu dubai chocolate smores for winter

why am i genuinely an old man already

 bruh i got so many white hairs i mean i noticed this near the beginning of 2025 but it was like. 1 strand.

i literally got all the bad genes from my family im not even joking. i cant think of a single good thing i got other than my eye color. kms 😭

split ends

 does anyone else have a million split ends in their hair

i have so many and its bothered me ever since i realized i have split ends years ago 😂 ive been manually cutting them off, prob cut off hundreds of hair strands by now. im never doing anything to my hair again... im never getting a perm again... i just want long healthy hair 

some of the split ends in my hair were GNARLY bro literally 1 strand splitting off into 6+ pieces eughh 😭its reallyy satisfying to cut them off though

what the helly ?!?!?!?!?

 guess who took the sat today. this was the worst experience ever im not even exaggerating 😭😭💔💔

FIRST OF ALL!! for some reason my computer would NOT connect the the wifi no matter what. some nice person even tried to help me but it still wasnt working. so i was holding everyone back for at least 15 mins and everyone was looking at me holy ☹️😞 great way to start the day. so i ended up starting like an hour late along with 5 other people. there were so many problems not just connecting to wifi sighh.. but everything else was quick compared to that. 

bro reading and writing module 2 was genuinely insane. it was like taking a damn science test not a reading test 😭😭I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE VEINS ON A LEAF OR THE SPECIES ON SOME 40 MILLION YEAR OLD ISLAND OR WHAT DEPTH SHELLS UNDER THE SEA HATCH!! omG half the questions and passages were genuinely so dense and long that i had to guess on like 7 of them cuz i ran out of time. im so maddd cuz r&w is the only thing im good at and ik i couldve done so much better ughh but there was no time and some questions really were ridiculous. im not tweaking out either hundreds of people had the same experience even tutors!!! 

math wasnt good either but then again im not particularly good at math so i cant really tell anything 😭 but lots of people said math was also unusually hard. 

also i was sitting right in front of the proctors desk bc i had to charge my borrowed laptop and this was the worst decision ever 😭everything was good for the first module! then she started constantly drinking water loudly and eating all kinds of food wtf. this lasted all the way until the last module was halfway over btw. think i have some sort of misophonia because the chewing, gulping, and mouth noises she was making genuinely infuriated me and it was all i could focus on💀and there was also a lively cheerleading team practicing outside our classroom. so i couldnt concentrate at all 💔💔💔proctors eating/drinking during testing time should be illegal.

how i felt during that rw section.
during the whole experience really

shouldve taken the september sat rughhjgk everyone said that was really easy. ofc the next one has to be diabolical. i heard people say there were literally kids sobbing in the test room. you cant make ts up man 💀also the comments ppl are making about this sat are killing me theyre so funny to read. we all suffering together rn😍😍😍

well, looks like i have to go test-optional 😬 if i was majoring in art this would be maybe fine, but for other things... ok but everyone else seemed to struggle a lot for this sat so i hope theres a huge curve 😻

Song OTD

 

Today's song OTD is Sienna by The Marias! Ik this is supposed to be a sad song but I never saw it that way. I love how dreamy this song feels. The part at 2:25, there's something so romantic (?) about it sighhh. 

I guess not romantic exactly but there's something so inherently loving and wistful/yearnful about that part.. the ending of this song is sooo good with that abrupt cutoff too 

i really want to befriend older people

 ok first of all happy october i was gonna post yesterday but i accidentally fell asleep at like 9pm lol. theres only 2 months of the year left!!!!! how crazy. i feel like i should be getting a lot done this month ahhhh!!! need to delete my procrastination issues ong

anyway. i really wanna befriend someone older... like 60-80. even 30+ idc. maybe there will be a volunteering option where theres gonna be old people that i can do. man i just really want someone who can give me life advice and can be like a role model idk 😭😭i want to listen to all their life stories. i love listening to people talk!! and we can keep each other company 😁👍since a lot of older people are lonely. everyone lonely nowadays. 

Song OTD 9/30/2025

 

Today's song OTD is Inside Out by Duster. This is how I felt today lowk 😭

my last post

 last post as a minor haha did the title scare you 

bruhh omg im turning 18 so soon and i didnt gaf but now im starting to panic it feels real now 😭 someone save me.... im gonna kms 

i hope i dont cry on my birthday again. i alr know its gonna be so mid. 

its so scary to grow up 

i wasted my entire childhood 

chat am i cooked 😢😢😢😭😭💔💔💔😣

singing

 i want to learn how to sing so bad buruhh 

this is all because of a music video i watched it genuinely changed my entire view on singing tbh. i think its been almost a year since i saw that video tho now. i never had any interest in singing before but that video made me want to learn to sing so bad. and there was no dancing in there but it also made me think of dancing more positively too. maybe im too old to learn how to sing now tho. i shouldve started at 16 or early 17.

chat should i get a job just so i have money to get singing lessons

maybe i should ask for it for my birthday. im scared to ask tho 😂😭😭

i feel so old mannz

 why is turning 18 such a serious age bruh lowk i feel so old now which is weird cuz i didnt gaf junior year. 18 feels old but also young. im almost an adult yet i havent accomplished anything at all. tbh i think the only reason i feel like 18 is old is bc nowadays you get called unc if youre over 14-ish 💀sometimes even younger. like, 21 used to be such a young age but now its like youre a senior citizen (to gen a mostly). 

im taking a class where im like a TA for my art teacher and its all freshmen omgg and theyre so young 😭😭 and the other TA there, also a senior, is giving advice to all the freshmen, like insane and very specific advice. i wish i had someone older to look up to back then 💀 i have no role models in life bruh. and that TA is so knowledgeable about the school idek anything and this is gonna be my 3rd year here lolol 

being alone sucks so much there bc are so many benefits you miss out on. not just being social but having friends also helps with grades, advice, etc.

feeling kinda lonely and old nowadays 🥲

sitting alone

 idk why everyone hates sitting alone (like during lunch at school) so much. its not too horrible and you get used to it. ive never thought anyone was a loser for sitting alone before and most people probably dont care. plus its nice downtime to chill without interruptions and you can decompress and do something like read while eating ☺️

bro im so glad ebooks exist cuz they making reading while eating so much easier. speaking of books, something that makes me happy to see in school is underclassmen/classmates reading physical books. cuz reading for fun is a rapidly declining hobby so its nice to see people reading during class, lunch, on the bus, etc!! wish i would read as voraciously as i used to again... like i would read an entire novel in one night without breaks. go through a book a day n stuff. dont do that often anymore. need to become obsessed with reading again. this is all social media's fault 😭

anyway i digress.. back to lunch. dont mind sitting alone but if i had to sit in the main cafeteria and not in the smaller tables outside think id feel more self-conscious about eating alone. esp if i was alone at a big table 💀 and if everyone but me had someone to sit with. but at my school there are a couple other people who sit alone too. its not that bad overall tho... maybe.. only embarrassing sometimes. omg one time last year i couldnt get a table fast enough so i had to sit on the floor next to the library, and next to another group of kids having lunch. and then this security person randomly walked over and told us we couldnt eat there so i didnt get the chance to finish eating lunch that day and just stood against a wall the rest of the time 😭ok wait suddenly remembering more awkward lunch times im understanding the hate for this more now.

bruh also my mom was shocked when i told her i always sat alone cuz shes never had to do that before when she was in school 😭💔imagine having that many friends 

buttt overall its still enjoyable to sit alone most of the time. lowkey made me more productive too thats the only bonus of being lonely

also its harder for me to finish lunch when i eat with someone (slow eater lore </3). and i dont like eating in front of people. actually i hated eating with someone at first but im starting to get used to it now! 

the pervasive and never ending feeling of cringiness

 does anyone else struggle with immense feeling of cringiness in whatever they do. i have it so bad its not even funny. for example, when taking math tests i hate reviewing my answers cuz it cringes me out. when i write it cringes me out. looking at old art, same thing. i dont wanna see the things i did before again (even if i did it only 10 minutes ago). this feeling is a massive part of my anxiety i fear... why am i so cringed out by myself.. is it self hatred 

even with this blog even though only 1 actual person is seeing it... a lot of the time when i post i just cant look at my blog for a few days or more and avoid it cuz of ts😭 how did i post 1+ times daily in the past bro. youd think the more i post the less cringe i'd feel but no. maybe its just cuz im making more posts talking about my feelings idk. 

why am i so afraid to share my opinion 🤦🤦 tbh tho up until recently-ish i thought i dont really have my own opinions (still kinda do) but blogging is helping a little i think 

this is my brain with anxiety/cringe except everywhere not just in bed. i think people will throw tomatoes at me if i say anything 😂

desperately wish i could just adopt the 'to be cringe is to be free' mindset like other people it would genuinely change my life 180 degrees 

need to become like this ong

who wanna unlearn shame together

random childhood memories

thinking about my childhood since im gonna become an adult soon. writing down some prominent memories i have from being a kid :) 

montessori:

1. we were going to lunch. i sat at a table and i was eating alone so i was looking outside the big windows with colorful trimming and at other people. there was this one boy who was eating golfish and he kept sneezing onto his food. there was a teacher with him so she told him "dont sneeze on your goldfish!!" and the boy promptly sneezed again on the golfish lolol. i found this really funny at the time

2. we had to draw a deer in class one day. there was this one boy in class who drew a deer and the teacher said his was the best because it had spots so it was realistic. i didnt draw spots on mine just a brown deer lol and felt kinda jealous of his artistic skills.

3. one time it was near halloween i think so we were making little bags of candy. the teachers there were passing around different types of candy and chocolates. after a while i decided to try one of the m&ms instead of putting it in the little brown paper bag and it turned out to be a peanut m&m which im allergic to so i spit it out. idk why i remember this.

germany: 

4. one day my mom made castella bread for my brother and i. we were sitting at a low table in the living room. we each got a huge slice, and my mom asked us if we wanted our slices cut into small pieces. i said yes, my brother said no. for some reason idek what happened but my brother basically shoveled ALL the pieces of my bread into his mouth and gobbled it up, no crumbs. even though he didnt eat his slice??? like tf?? i got up to tell my mom but she was on a phone call so she wasnt paying attention to me. then i sat down at the table again and my brother was now playing with toys nearby. i was still mad so i took the tinesttt little piece from his slice and ate it. and that was it (i shouldve taken the entire thing *facepalm*). and then my brother came back and alternated between playing with toys and taking bites of his bread. this kid has a long history of messing with my food i swear smh my head. 

5. have this one weird memory where it feels like something real that actually happened to me but it cant be because its just unrealistic. basically one night there was this weird shadow monster chasing me. i was running away from it and sprinting down the stairs as fast as i could, practically skipping steps as i went down. and the shadow of the monster was kinda stretched so it looked taller and i could see it on the wall as i descended. also as i was running down everything was kinda warped as if i was in some sort of horror game. as i reached the bottom of the stairs and i could see and hear glimpses of my parents sitting on the couch in the living room. it looked so bright and cozy there. i ran as fast as i could towards them. 

6. it had snowed a lot and i was making a snow penguin during recess cuz i had nothing else to do. this random teacher came up to me and complimented me teehee and she asked to take a picture too im so goated at sculpture

7. waterparks in germany were so goatedd. the one my family went to had huge indoor pools, some for fun some for practicing swimming. there was also a giant heated pool that extended to the outdoors. and there were big slides and stuff too. i liked that in the regular areas the water wasnt cold either it was like room temp. it was always a fun time there! guys germany has the best attractions and activities ever like the parks, museums, waterparks, visiting castles, everything was so fun there. i want to go again sometime. 

8. used to go to this one korean church. one day we were creating sculptures and i made a coiled up clay snake with a random ball stuck on top cuz i had extra clay. but this one boy kept trying to rip the ball off once it dried for some reason. he couldnt get it at first so i felt proud my creation was holding up. until he succeeded eventually and i cried. like bro what he do that for. what was the reason. smh my head 

9. one time, i decided to pretend to be blind to test my abilities of getting around without sight and started walking downstairs (somehow didnt tumble down the stairs) and around the couch. eventually i stumbled around enough, then fell and banged my head on the side of a coffee table and it hurt a lot lolll. why did i do that. i was so stupid. after that i never pretended to be blind again it actually was so painful.

10. was going to a birthday party in my neighborhood.. ended up hiding under a table from my mom to eat a cupcake (i was supposed to eat a real meal first i think). but somehow i got found quickly ugh. also my present i brought were these huge inflatable planet and sun ball things. the sun one was gigantic everyone had fun playing with it. this memory feels kinda fake/dreamlike to me tbh. but it was something that happened i def went to this birthday party. 

georgia:

11. in 4th grade i had no friends kinda so during lunch i'd be reading while eating. i always read warrior cat books and was known as the warrior cats books reader in class. to the point where when people would find one of those books laying around the classroom they'd ask me if it was mine (it wasnt).

12. also in 4th grade the way i was able to become popular (?) eventually was through my art. i brought my sketchbook to class once and someone noticed my art, which made other people also notice. people would tell me things they wanted me to draw and i'd draw stuff for them. then i quickly became perceived as the "best artist in class" which was nice :) and there was another good artist in class, i liked to look at her art too! 

13. tybee island beach was somewhere my family and i used to go to kinda often. it was always fun :D we usually got bruster's real ice cream after too. my siblings and i called it bruster's really ice cream. it was so good. but years later after we came back to america again and tried bruster's again it was diabolically sweet NOOOO !! and they also shut down the location we used to go to when we visited georgia again later on 

korea:

14. ive always tended to run cold rather than hot. so when i went outside to recess i had this thing i made up. where basically outside, i could soak up the sun's heat and i could 'store' it somehow for later use when i was cold. i think it actually worked sometimes cuz i placebo effect-ed myself ha 

thinking of these memories keep bringing up new ones i barely thought about before so this was fun. i dont want this post to be super long though so thats it. maybe ill write down more memories later. i dont want to forget my childhood when im an older adult (like 60+ or whenever the past becomes too blurry)

socializing

 this year i actually talk to people more so i didnt have to deal with these problems before but now its making me realize how bad at socializing i really am 😭😭

ok first bro omg istg i have a hearing problem or something.?? im the type of person that NEEDS subtitles when watching stuff otherwise idk wth people are saying sometimes ☠️ but every single day, without fail, when someone says something to me i just cant hear them omgg its so embarrassing to ask "what?" more than one time 😢😭desperately need subtitles in real life. it pmo so much when i cant hear people right why does this only happen at school too

my next problem is i truly dont know how to respond to things a lot of the time HELPPP 😭😭😭 and im always scared to start convos cuz i feel like i dont have the ability to keep it going and if im the initiator i should have something interesting to say right but i never do 😢 the only thing i can do is ask questions or give short responses. how do other people converse so easily. its a mystery to me. i hope i figure all of this out one day so i can look back and laugh at my past self for being so quiet.

also sometimes i think im just the problem and its unfixable. even if i had no anxiety,.. like im so used to being alone, i like being alone cuz its my comfort zone and idk how to have friends anymore. seriously wonder what its like to have a group of friends where youre all close, arent afraid to be yourself and laugh a lot and go outside to hang out together. must be one of the best things in the world. 

man people really dont know how lucky they are to not have anxiety fr 😭i overhear convos in school where people talk about how bad their (social) anxiety is but its soo urghhf. like this one girl who was the most talkative and sociable person in class that everyone liked was lamenting how bad her social anxiety is cuz she doesnt like making phone calls for dr. appointments n shiz😭😭and then everyone else at the table started agreeing with her and talking about how they feel the same. girl what... youve gotta be kidding me!

Song OTD

 

Been obsessed with this song by Insooni lately. It sounds like it should be in a movie! It's so satisfying to listen to I love seeing edits/vids with this song. Esp the part at 0:46... This is like the new Ai Scream! for me lol. Also Insooni being a biracial queen okayy you go girl!!

ramble cuz i ran out of post ideas :(

ok first of all i be complaining about school in every post now but idc cuz school sucks!! i fr dont wanna do this anymore. and this year there are way stricter policies for some reason. man why couldnt yall wait till i graduated... really wish i was born a few months earlier, then i'd already be done with ts.

speaking of school, people drive kinda crazy here it scares me... literally saw a row of cars almost crash into each other on my first week. everyone is in such a rush to get out. and no one uses their blinkers or stops at stop/yield signs😭😭bro what.. getting out of the school zone is such a hassle its so cumbersome. suddenly remembering that time one student accidentally crashed into the PRINCIPALS car and tried to run away but someone stopped them 💀💀so crazy so insane. 

how i feel being one of the few yielding
for cars and using my blinker

omgg and i have so much homework and things i need/want to do but all i do is bedrot like for real its not even funny anymore HELPPP. wake up, go somewhere if needed, come home and doomscroll and then sleep half the day away and repeat 💔💔 whats wrong with me lately i have no motivation to do anything 😭

bruh blue eye samurai content is lowkey genuinely the only thing keeping me going rn im so glad i watched that show so i have something i can look forward to in life. mizu is my new inspiration to work out again teehee😍

worst class ever ngl

 ap us and comparative gov is such an annoying class bru 😭 google lied when it said people found it fun and interesting.... this class makes me feel so dumb i literally dont know anything compared to others and dont really care about government stuff in the first place. i guess its good to know but im maybe too slow for this cuz its ap 😭😭 and the homework is so ughh i cant absorb all the info in the reading its so boring and tedious💔💔i already know imma get a bad grade. the teacher is always calling on random people too and it always gives me anxiety. why is this such a participatory class. i miss ap psych 😭dawg.. best ap class ever 

i thought maybe this class would be fun because of learning about other countries and i love reading historical (fiction mostly) books. but no 😔 hopefully the class gets better as the year commences more 

senior year thoughts (school rant)

 was planning to do this right before the year actually started but forgor oops 

ok first of all its so crazy to me that im a senior now. i dont feel like one at all. i still remember being in 9th grade, and in french class there was this one senior i sat with. and i was thinking like wow i wonder what its like to be a senior!! thats so far away!! so grown up!! but time ended up passing really quickly, how am i a senior now.

wonder if ill be able to make friends this year... or at least improve my social skills. lowkey have the sinking feeling that this year will be just like the last ones. idk its so hard for me to change. sometimes i wonder if i find comfort in being miserable and alone cuz i always sabotage my chances and opportunities 💀 either that or i gaslit myself into thinking im okay being alone cuz i always used to tell myself i dont even need friends cuz they never last anyway and ive already survived being alone a lot (military child lore). 

anyway yeah only 2 days into the year but im already dreading it. i feel so anxious in class. everyone sitting around me already has friends and this year i dont really see anyone i want to be friends with. bro every year ive been at this school people have asked me if im new here because im so insignificant ☠️ except for the very first year i actually arrived, LITERALLY no one noticed me at all (sophomore year is the worst i swear). god omg i shouldve tried to talk more last year cuz there were people that i actually wanted to be friends with. and they were nice to me too😭😭 whats wrong with me broughhghgh. took the sat today and i even saw one of those people and he actually talked to me omg 💔💔 if i wasnt so damn shy i feel like we couldve been friends cuz we have similar personalities from what ive seen.

think senioritis is already hitting too man. i already kinda hate at least 2 of my classes. wish i could just take regular classes. and im always tired for some reason and falling asleep easily right after i get home (but never at bedtime smh my head). honestly kinda hoping this year just goes by really quickly so itll be over and done with (especially if i end up not making any friends). i hate high school so much, especially this school.. how tf did some people peak in hs. life is lowkey not worth it if you have SAD. feels like itll never get better sometimes tbh.

my biggest fantasy is for some extrovert to notice me and 'adopt' me 😭 how do other quiet people get this to happen to them!! 😭

ok this ended up being a huge vent ramble... maybe ill look at this post again once i graduate to see if i changed any or not. i hope i do... PLEASE FUTURE ME GET BETTER OR ILL BE COOKED IN THE REAL WORLD 😭😭😭🙏🙏💔🥀🥀!!!!

I found my spirit animal

This one species of monkey that was discovered in 2007. Called a Lesula.

Just look at that unimpressed expression.
And those beautiful big eyes.. 

Ts is literally me... if I could I'd totally forage for fruits and vegetables all day 

My newest obsession

my queen... mizu i would treat you
  better than any man ever could 😭🙏

I binged BES in 2 days and it was so good omg; ep 5 especially is peak!! the layered storytelling is insane. Mizu (the protag) is so cool i love her 🤩🤩 she lowkey just like me.... im the korean version of her.... 

Also mizu unironically made me feel better about being wasian too wow. ive never seen a wasian character in media before that actually explores their identity issues. especially about not liking one side of yourself. and how people will never see you as 'full' because you're mixed. Omg if i was in BES i would definitely be getting stoned every other day for looking white lol 💀

Anyway, BES is all I've been thinking about for the past 2~ weeks. cant wait for s2 😍 the animation and visuals are so amazing,  especially the environments. The art style is pretty unique/recognizable too. Great show overall 

More fanart! Androgynous women gotta be one of the best things ever. Forever will be peak to me. And I love Mizu's voice too 😍 

 this is really random but yknow how the past tense of 'sneak' is sneaked. this sounds so wrong to me. i feel like it should be snuck. snuck should be the formal past tense of sneak not sneaked. sneaked sounds so awkward and clunky, snuck is easier to say and sounds more smooth/elegant to me. 

deep voices on women 😍

 who else loves women with deep/mature/husky sounding voices!! its so underrated i swear.. omg one time i stumbled upon this one korean youtuber's video and she doesnt talk a lot but in this one she speaks with her full voice and it was the deepest voice ive ever heard on a woman before. holyy it was literally exquisite though made me go a little bit crazy tbh. 

i hate that women are expected to have high-pitched bubbly voices bruh why do aesthetic norms have to be so restrictive 😭 i will never understand people that hate on low voices for women. its so peak 😩

beauty standards

 its kinda crazy how ingrained beauty standards and gender norms are in this world. the first time i was aware/insecure of my body was literally kindergarten 💀 cuz i was sitting at a table and 2 of my classmates (boys) were talking about how they already had arm hair growing in. omg i remember this moment so clearly. they said the fact that they had arm hair meant they were already men/on the way to becoming real men. and then they were debating on whether girls had arm hair and ended up with the conclusion that girls didnt have body hair 😭 who taught them this stereotype at the ripe age of 5 bro. i remember feeling so confused cuz i had arm hair and wanted to interject that that wasnt true but i felt too ashamed/shy to say that. 

yknow what, thinking about it, maybe this was one of the incidents that helped kick-start my low self-esteem and anxiety arc .. 💀

it always kills me inside when men complain about women having any type of body hair and literally saying women should be hung/killed/assaulted for it. what the hell man 💔💔 men saying they want a 'natural woman' and then not being able to handle the fact that women are not born with silky smooth hairless dolphin skin ☠️☠️☠️ do straight guys even like women. 

Song OTD

 

Today's song OTD is No. 1 Party Anthem by Arctic Monkeys.. been kinda obsessed with this song lately. It's so bittersweet. 2:20-3:00 is so peak especially... This has been my first song otd in a while but tbh dont think im gonna do them much anymore. havent been listening to as much music as well 

Also I saw this one Nishi edit and omg.. someone tell me why it keeps making me tear up... I think this is the 1st Nishi edit I've ever seen. He's so underrated fr. It's actually really insane when you think about Nishi's character arc, he changed so much. Also I think Nishi was Joe's first real friend? I love their friendship so much wahh I miss anj again now 😭 It's so tragic that he didn't attend Joe's last match bro why wasn't he there 💔💔

my last summer break hughhh // adulthood

 bruh i cant believe this is basically my last summer break for HS. yeah theres technically another break after 12th but that doesnt really count imo. by then ill be an adult. and after graduation ill be probably busy looking for a j*b or college prep idk. 

only got a few weeks left of break... lowkey its really sad. normal people hang out with their friends a lot during summer break and ill never get to experience that at this point 😭 time feels like its slipping by too quickly. and it feels like its kinda too late for things even though people tell me stuff like "your life has barely begun." 

sighh also i dont really want to be an adult soon. the thought of not being legally considered a child anymore is so terrifying to me. why cant adulthood be when you turn 20/21. your brain doesnt even fully mature until 25+. and 18 is still technically a teen year even if youre legally an adult. is there even much difference between 17 and 18... tbh im kinda conflicted about turning 18 because people say it gets better but also idk. ive also heard people who are 65 still feeling 17 in their head. i dont know if thats terrifying or comforting 😭😭i wonder what age ill feel like a real adult cuz i still feel like a 13 year old and have the same feelings as my 3rd grade self 💀

anyway i need to lock in and get work done for the rest of this summer but my procrastination is so bad lol. i dont wanna study for SATS 😭 i hate math!! 

all these colleges want me so bad

 think i literally got 20 emails from colleges just from today. maybe even more. and the day isnt even over yet. why are they always spamming me bruh. i didnt even give my contact info to most of them?? colleges are soo desperate for no reason they just want peoples money smh my head. 

also these schools are sending me brochures LEFT and RIGHT oh my gahh man i literally have a huge stack of them. i never read the brochures or emails anyway. only 1 bc it looked pretty and well-thought out. 

can they stop spamming me already..💔💔i am NOT interested in goucher college what kinda name is that. and i DONT want to become a miner!!

summer art

 some of my artworks since summer break started 😝

human version of my vampire oc bc 
i wanted to test a new coloring brush lol
i like the background :D

drew her on a whim and i like
how it turned out!

ok thats it cuz this getting long

childhood crushes..

 ok well tbh i cant really even do this because thing because,, ive never actually had childhood crushes before. 💀 can never relate when ppl talk abt this. omg i hate when people at school ask me who my crush is or if i have a crush on so-and-so what am i even supposed to say... anyway idk how everyone has all these childhood crushes, why did i never experience that :((

like youve gotta be kidding me. maybe theres just something wrong with me idk. honestly as a child whenever i watched movies i thought romance like kissing scenes were the grossest thing in the world. for example i remember watching aladdin in some sort of class and being so disgusted by the kiss scene. now though, idm some romance stuff that much anymore since ive been exposed to it a lot. 

ok but for real people, ive only had 1 crush in my entire life, in kindergarten bruh. i dont even really remember having a crush on them but i guess i did 😭im told it probably wasnt even a real crush cuz i was so young.

i dont really understand how everyone had all these crushes on characters and celebrities and whatnot. what does a crush even feel like anyways. i can never tell if it is or not?? there are characters i adore but i couldnt say i have/had a crush on them.

 ever since i got back from college why do i feel so tired and lethargic all the time 😭😭im even getting more sleep than i did back over there wtf. i have a lot of things i want/need to do but i just feel so lazy and tired man. oh my gah dont tell me im one of those people that need a strict structure/schedule to get things done 😭😭noooooo 

been wanting to do this template for a while

 

random but ive seen ppl replace
mouse with horse for some reason

also i love that mira has a long face, female chars esp in cartoons and anime always have a round face. her hair is so fun to draw too :D

idek how i came up with this

 

i miss making anj fanart i used to have so many ideas but never drew them

one more doodle

type of friendship i could only dream about

 

Bruh youve gotta be joshing me rn..

Suddenly remembering this one moment in 4th grade. Ok basically I was moving away so like saying bye to my classmates n stuff. And they also were saying a few things too. This one boy.... oh man I don't remember exactly what he said but it was like "I didn't even notice you were in the room half the time" (cuz I was the quiet kid) and then something else i don't remember what he said tbh but it was nice? Like "but you're chill/ a nice person" idk. It's the first part that really stuck with me 💀 I took it as a compliment at the time but now I realize that's kinda a weird thing to say 😭 why did I take that as a compliment 😭😭

I remember 4th grade so clearly it was a crazy year lots of memories 

Helpppr ☹️ school vent

Art school is killing me 😭😭 my arm and back hurt from drawing in uncomfortable environments 😭 I miss my old desk and chair man

Bruh the food here is so repetitive and most of it tastes mid to bad and is unhealthy 💔😔

My skin got worse since I got here and my eczema also came back on both arms and its so painful AHHHHHHH I'm gonna crash out. And I'm sick of the moldy dorms and showers 😭

Also need to draw so quickly to meet deadlines and its lowkey stressful idk what happened but I draw really slowly now 💀 only for lineart tho. 

The grind never stops.... 

I wonder how much worse going to college fr will be... imagine doing art and also having other classes and juggling grades and chores and living in a small dorm with a roommate for 4+ years AND being in debt omg. 

Fashun thoughts

Brahhh I really wish to be able to express myself through my appearance more 😭 or just look how I wish I looked. I wanna wear clothes from a variety of styles, seeing all the different kinds of things people wear online is sooo amazing fr. Also think it would be cool to try some styles once just for fun like goth or lolita or gyaru idk.

Unforch.. I'm poor and not confident so I can't 😭 Maybe when I'm an adult/move out from parents home... Who else has a parent that never really let you pick your own clothes 💔💔 so u just wear whatever and don't even know what you want anymore cuz u never got the chance to choose what you liked 

Omg also I think it would be really fun to do a cosplay with a group of friends. And wearing fun/vibrant makeup styles looks cool too. Alsoo I really want to cut/dye my hair different colors but I'm also tryna grow it smh my head

Ok last thing I love people who are dedicated to a style fr 🫶🫶 (Or wearing a silly outfit like a lorax costume lol.) I just love seeing their fits/makeup. Its nice to see people who can express themselves like that unabashedly ourghhf. There are a few of those types of people in my school rn. Maybe cuz this is an art school lol 

This was my skibidi toilet. Back in the day

😭😭😭

 

drawing for reference

Was walking to dinner today and saw these two women they were both really tall and had long legs, they looked like models 😭 they were so pretty.. why are there so many divas here. Ngl I like people watching it's fun 

Ts is so random but has anyone else had to tell themselves repeatedly like "they won't hate me" to try to reassure yourself every time you wanted to text someone or am I just weird 😭😭 man I have such a complex about talking to ppl (esp first) I always think I'm bothering them 😭 

This problem used to be way worse for me since the beginning of the school year I just finished lol, got a bit better about it now tho 🥳👍 

SAD is the gift that keeps on giving. Smh my head 

Song OTD

 

Today's song OTD is The Star, To You 17 Years Old by NASTYONA! This is so bittersweet :( The beat/melody of this song is very comforting and familiar. 

bro how are other people able to be so free and emote and stuff 💔 like doing silly voices/faces, voice inflection, etc. just being able to express themselves in a variety of ways. i feel like some sort of robot that's trying to blend in with everyone but failing miserably 😭 idk. wish i could do the same but im so monotonous and timid in my actions and voice even when im trying not to be 💀😭 i probably come off as so cold and boring to others 🫩 

Kinda want to do this but i dont have followers.. 🥀🥀

 

tv girl

These people will see anything pink and blue and immediately shout out, "tv girl?!" "tv girl reference?!" and there are dozens of these comments.. even when the art is obviously not 😭😭 and then there are no comments abt the actual art just tv girl copy pastes 💔💔 why does everything have to be tv girl smh my head. These artists are most likely just using complimentary colors bffr. 

Oops

Guys no posts again for like 3 weeks cuz im not at home 💀 or maybe I'll post some things but not a lot... and probably no more song otds for a while too 

I know I just got back but uhm... yeah 😭

Song OTD

 I'm backk woohoo! Feels like I haven't done a song otd in weeks... omg and i just realized its july 2nd today whatt i thought it was still june somehow lol. anyway today's song otd is esper by mamerico! i like the lilting tone of the singer's voice... this song is so calm and nice. that cover is so cute too

No posts for a few days

Going on a goofy ahh trip 

Sybau everyone ❤️❤️❤️ (stay young beautiful and unique)

grrahh

making a one-shot is so hard bruh i only have to lineart and color but its 40 pages and i got less than a week now 💀 i hate linearting i wish i could just use my sketches 😤 i just wanna be done with ts idec about the comic anymore 😭

how it feels to draw with a strict deadline.. 
someone needa lock me up like this so i can
get all my work done fr

Song OTD

 

Today's song OTD is どしゃ降りの雨の中で (In the Pouring Rain?) by Akiko Wada! This is such a beautiful song. I love how this sounds distinctly Japanese too. Love all the instruments in here.. the lyrics are sad but it sounds kinda buoyant. Also Akiko's background is really interesting and crazy wow 

eczema pmo so bad!!!

 I HATE ECZEMA!!! ts pmo soo bad holyy. and it NEVER goes away, theres always a random flare-up bruh i dont wanna deal with this for my entire life....... it burns and itches so bad omg it feels like putting your skin on a hot stove 😭 and trying to fix it with lotion or whatever makes it even worse. my eczema used to be so bad and i thought it was better but it always comes back 💀 genuinely the most uncomfortable feeling to have on your skin. looks and feels so ugly and gross. why do i have so many physical and mental problems man 💔

me fighting the urge to itch my skin

Song OTD

 

Today's song OTD is Mayonaka no Tennis Coat by Kingo Hamada! I love how deep and rich the instruments sound in this song! It very much gives yearning for something vibes 

 oh my goodness... i finally did it.. i got myself to reach and stay at just over 100lbs 😭😭 omg this took so long i was stuck in the 90lbs range for forever. we defeating emaciation with this one!!! 🗣️🗣️🗣️🔥🔥🔥

Song OTD

 

Today's song OTD is Dreamy by Dan Fontaine! The title already describes this song lol. Sounds like something that would play in a warmly lit cafe on a rainy night. What a peaceful song.. daydreamy type song.. 

Song OTD

 

Today's song OTD is the main theme of  Amore Mio Aiutami! This song sounds so dreamy and beautiful... it makes me sad. Also on summer break now, it feels so weird and bittersweet this year for some reason

art doodless

 

Art stuff omggg. Drew this during english class today cuz I was bored. Lowkey so fun to draw in that class cuz i sit in the back next to some other artists & the atmosphere is so cozy. Ok anyway really like how this turned out ngl... feels like this is the first "real" thing ive drawn in ages. Its not perfect but everything came out so cute methinks 

Song OTD

 

Today's song OTD is Ocean Bomb by babyMINT! Been listening to more Chinese music lately! I love this song; it sounds so bubbly/reverb-like idk how to explain. I love the vocal delay in it too!! And the clicky-ness. This song is so satisfying to listen to and so summery hehe 

who else got these fears?!

1. bad hearing, idk why but im really precious about my hearing. i never listen to loud music even if i want to. i hate places with loud music like parties!!! and also fitness places why do they blast their music so loud. just because the music is loud doesnt mean im gonna be more motivated to work out 💀 tried this one boxing place one time and omg after the class i literally couldnt hear right for almost an hour. felt like i was underwater smh my head. im so paranoid about getting hearing damage 😭 i dont want tinnitus or sum later down the line, now that would be hell.

2. stairs. bruh if i even stumble for even one second on the stairs my heart feels like it stops. im so scared of falling down the stairs and injuring myself in some way. like maybe i knock my teeth out 😭 my mom told me story once, a girl had a chopstick in her mouth while going down the stairs and fell, and the chopstick stabbed through her throat and she died 😭😭 so many people get injured/die from stairs... its crazy...... 

3. eye injuries/going blind. lowkey i dont think life would be worth it if i couldnt see. i already have bad eyesight loll it makes life so annoying. people who have 20/20 vision are so blessed 💔 feel like its surprisingly easy to get an eye injury, like anything could happen. 

Song OTD

 

Today's song OTD is Sugar by Mass of the Fermenting Dregs! I love the energy here. And the cover looks really yummy too

 does anyone else like eating raw pasta. not uncooked pasta but cooked just no sauce. its really good it feels like a palate cleanser yknow 

Song OTD

Today's song OTD is Sonho do Brasil! This song feels like skipping and twirling through a grassy field dotted with bright red flowers during golden hour
 

its june

 happy june yall! we're officially at the halfway mark of 2025... well tbh its not exactly half but idc. guys this is so crazy .. school is almost done.. summer will be here soon. how come the days and months go by so quickly💔one blink and the next school year will start at this rate. anyway i hope it gets warmer soon, i wanna go to the beach this month. hope june and july dont fly by too quickly 

Song OTD

 

Today's song OTD is Whiplash by aespa! This song has been on my mind lately. Also I really love aespa's aesthetic, that metallic dark futuristic y2k kinda look. 

Also!! This is my 400th post omg can you believe guys 400 posts. That's so much. I feel like a real blogger kinda. 10 months of blogging woww it's almost been a year 

Kantaro: The Sweet Tooth Salaryman

 I just finished watching this insane and silly show called Kantaro: The Sweet Tooth Salaryman. It's basically about this dude that decided to become a salaryman at a publishing house so he could play hooky and secretly eat various sweets after work. He posts reviews of the food on his blog, Ameblo (I think this blog exists irl too). This man loves sweets so much he genuinely starts tweaking out after trying each dessert 💀 He's very expressive. It was fun to learn about the different Japanese (and some European) foods. The close-up shots looked really good. Watching this show made me wanna go to these stores too lol. If I ever visit Japan again maybe I could... 

Ok back to the show, it's so over the top and absurd lol. I love how Kantaro quotes people like Nietzsche and Winston Churchill and ties the quotes into his relationship with food 💀It's surprisingly entertaining. I kinda wish there was more on Dobashi (his coworker, she keeps trying to prove Kantaro is the one behind his blog) cuz it kept going nowhere. She seems to be a sweets fanatic too, so I think they could have fun visiting desert shops and discussing food together.

Also, surprisingly, there were a lot of English words when they could've used Japanese instead. I wonder why they did that. It was nice to try to see how much Japanese I could understand though. The show is only 12 episodes so it was easy to finish :D I wish there was a S2 so we could see the winter and spring desserts common in Japan but it's not gonna happen </3